Doodles in the Margin

Wow, this thing is still alive???

2005-12-22T13:39:00.000-08:00

I might have to start posting again. But people will actually have to come look.

Merry Christmas...or my new ultra PC seasonal greeting...

"Hope your December 25th doesn't suck!"

Medical Miracle

2005-04-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

So there is this product advertising on the local radio station called SkinZinc. Some type of skin lotion. Fine. And they are following the trend of your basic weight loss/quit smoking ad where they use fake recordings of people supposedly calling in to praise the product.

So one clown they have calling in for SkinZinc says he tried EVERYTHING to get rid of the dry, flaky skin on his arms, but nothing worked. That is, until he found SkinZinc. Then he says

"It is really the closest thing to a medical miracle."

Really? The closest thing to a medical miracle? Wow! Well I did a quick google search, let's have a look at how this compares to some other breakthroughs.

1. Penicillin, 1929 - The discovery of this antibiotic has quite possibly saved more lives since its introduction than any other single medical advancement. The ability fight infection after combat wounds alone will probably help cement Penicillin's status in history.

But, it will not get dry, flaky shit off your elbows, so no dice penicillin. You lose.

2. Vaccinations - In the past, people were regularly killed or permanently effected by Small Pox, Mumps, Measles etc... then the science of developing and distributing vaccinations comes along. Major infectious diseases are wiped out entirely or controlled significantly.

However, no vaccine yet for dry flaky shit. At least not on your arms. Score another for SkinZinc!

3. Animal to Human Organ Transplants - Baby Fae was the most notable of these procedures, living for 20 days after being given a baboon's heart in 1984. Other strides have since been made, like transplanting arteries, veins or livers out of pigs. Soon, it will be possible to genetically engineer an animal fetus to develop with a fully human organ so the transplant will be human to human but cultivated on an animal host.

Great, but what is the point of living if you just end up with dry, flaky shit on your arms? Without SkinZinc, such life saving advancements are truly meaningless.

4. Artificial Organs/Pacemakers - In 1952 the first cardiac Pacemaker is invented, forever changing the survivability of people with heart conditions. In 1982 the Jarvik-7 artificial heart is implanted into Barney Clark, he lived for 112 days with no human heart to move his blood.

Hello??? He died! SkinZinc never killed anybody. And now people with pacemakers do not have to live out there scientifically extended years on Earth with dry, flaky shit on their elbows.

5. Dobelle Artificial Vision System - Take a blind person, drill holes in their head, insert electrodes to directly stimulate the vision centers of the brain, hook the wires to a digital camera inside a pair of sunglasses and bingo! Like Jesus before him, Dobelle uses this Star Trek type technology to give sight to the blind. Granted, they see the world like they are looking at an animated scoreboard at a baseball stadium, but they can see. And what do they see?

Dry, flaky shit on their elbows, that's what! Without SkinZinc, these assholes might as well still be blind.

There are other medical advancements that can all be found lacking when given the SkinZinc litmus test.

Anesthesia? Crap!
Microscope? Worthless!
X-Rays? Not even close!
Mapping the human genetic code? Child's play!
Robotic limbs controlled by nerve impulses? PUHHHHlease!

Nope, I have to say that SKinZinc is absolutely correct. The closest thing to a medical miracle. One woman caller said she can even wear shorts now, thanks to SkinZinc! How can living nerve transplants that restore function to the paralyzed even be considered in the same breath with that? We are talking about dry, flaky skin here people. Thank God this will no longer be something we have to live in fear of.

As Terri Schiavo enters her final hours

2005-03-30T10:29:00.000-08:00

I have endeavored so far to avoid serious topics here at Doodles, but I feel the need to make my rant about the Terri Schiavo case.

This circus is very troubling to me. And it is more troubling that there are others that do not see it. First, let me just state that in my opinion none of this would be going on if the situation here was reversed. If all the circumstances were exactly the same except that it was a healthy Terri Schiavo petitioning to have her husband Michael’s feeding tube removed, none of us would even know about the story. It would be no story.

Why? Because we would never question that a woman was not trying her best to look out for her stricken husband. We would never doubt for a minute that it is what the husband would want. Even in the absence of a living will. If she said “He told me he would not want to live like this.” That would be enough for us.

We would not hold it against her if she allowed her husband to be kept alive for an extra seven years to help win a malpractice suit that would help solidify her future and gain some justice for him.

We would not take her to task for finding companionship in the arms of another man while her husband still lingered. Or that she started a family with him. We would recognize that she was young, with her whole life ahead of her and know that even her husband would want her to try to find happiness in her life.

No, if the situation was reversed the story would not be told. Except as a Lifetime channel movie of the week, starring Meredith Baxter Burney, celebrating this woman’s strength at overcoming adversity and the horrible, emotional tests she faced. Even if some of the speculations that exist with Michael were there, like maybe she did something to put him in this state, we would not believe it. We would sweep it away as speculation and rumor and not interfere with her right to pursue her husband’s wishes. Or we would enhance it with speculation that he was abusive to her so she fought back and he ended up like this. Now she is even more of a saint for caring for him.

I have no living will, but have made my wishes known to my family. I will make them clear here as well. If I ever end up in a state like Terri Schiavo, mentally unable to interact with my family, no hope of recovery, and needing a machine to carry out basic functions like eating, I want to be allowed to die. Period. If I am in a coma and the doctors say I will never come out of it, I want to die. If they say I might come out of it, I want to live until such a time as they decide that such likelihood is gone and THEN I want to die.

If ignoring my wishes and keeping me around will help my family receive a large sum of money that will help secure their needs, my kid’s education etc…then by all means keep me around. It is the last thing I can do to provide for my family before I go. When it is all settled, I want to die.

I want my wife to be happy. I want my son to have another father figure in his life that can teach and advise him on the things when I will not be there for him. Even if I am still alive, and we are still married, my wife is free to seek comfort or companionship whenever she is ready. I would not want to be a vegetable-ized parachute always creating drag when she tries to move forward as the living should do.

These are my wishes. These wishes probably match those of the majority of people in this country. I believe that Terri is at least as good a person as I am, probably better. I believe that she would have wanted these same things for her husband as I want for my wife. Shame on anyone that does not think Terri would be noble enough, selfless enough or caring enough for that. And if you think she was, then step back and let her finally be at peace.

You're My Hero!

2005-03-21T10:05:00.000-08:00

For many years now I have noticed the word hero getting over-used. In our wishy-washy, touchy-feely, weak on self-confidence and self-reliance, make-up-a-new-word-to-make-a-bad-concept-sound-better- society everyone was becoming a hero. Then 9/11 came along and we started hearing about "the real heros" that are around everyday and people stopped using the hero reference for any little thing but automatically assigned hero status to all firefighters, police and military personel.

This lasted a little while and then we were back to everyone being a hero in their own little way. Doesn't take much to be a hero really. Teachers are heros. Single mothers are heros. If you used to be a crackhead but now you have a job you are a hero. Give something to a charity? Hero. It has gotten ridiculous. The rare occurance when a person does something truly heroic is diluted and lost among oceans of self-important grandstanding about "Everyday Heros" by people who thought they had an ability to spot a "real hero" when everyone else could not.

Bullshit.

The word hero is overused to the point it is almost meaningless.

"I jumped on a live grenade to save my buddies."

"Really, I once helped someone jumpstart their car in Wal-mart parking lot, so I guess those are a wash."

So, I decided it was time to create a clear definition of hero and when it is allowed to be used. This little checklist will help you decide if a person is truly a hero or not.

1. Heros must have risked death or severe injury solely for the well-being of another in similar danger.

Unless your act of heroism put you directly into a dangerous situation that you could have avoided had you not been selfless enough to help another, you are not a hero. This leaves out teachers, coaches, single-mothers, and anyone who ever "saved" someone by calling 911. I hate when I see a news story like this.

"And the hero of this story is Chuckles Farkwarth who saw flames coming out of the house across the street and called 911."

SO WHAT! You can do that without leaving your Lazy-boy. You only risk missing a little of whatever TV show you are watching and that is only if you did not wait for a commercial to call 911. Sorry, not a hero.

Both of the next two criteria for heroism are a little more harsh, but I think they are necessary requirements that need met to arrive at Hero status.

2. You have to SUCCEED in your objective.

This sounds like I am being to tough, I know, but I think it is important. Heros save people. Without that successful outcome it is difficult for me to award hero-statis. This does not lessen the sacrifice or courage of the individual in any way. It is just an important distinction.

To illustrate this one simply lets look at a hypothetical scenario. A building is on fire and a woman, already safe on the street, tells you her kid is still in there. Feeling heroic, you run into the building to save the kid. You have now met requirement one for heroism and are a far better and more courageous person than the vast majority. Now, while you are inside, the roof collapses and you and the child both die. Sorry, but this little twist of fate robbed you of hero status. What you get is "he died trying to be a hero." This is an honorable achievement. It lets the world know that you had the guts and the selflessness to be a hero. You just didn't get it done. Your efforts were heroic, but the outcome was tragic. To be a hero, you have to get the kid out alive. You can then die and still be a hero. If you get the kid to a window and get him out just before the roof collapses on you, then you are a hero.

3. You have to put yourself into a dangerous situation for which you could not be expected to be prepared.

This probably the most controversial of my criteria. This speaks directly to the "all firefighters, police and military are heros" idea. No they are not. Many of the above can go (and have gone) an entire career without being in a situation of true mortal danger. Especially police and military. Many, and it is probably safe to even say most, throughout history served and retired without a real legitimate threat to life. That is not to say that they would not have risen to the occasion had it presented itself, but for most, thankfully, the situation never came up. Firefighters are a little bit different, but I think the requirement should stand as follows;

The nature of these professions carries with it inherent risks which are known, studied and trained for. They each have equipment to better prepare them for such situations and much training based on centuries of experience to best prepare them for their job. That being said, the act of carrying out the specific job for which they are trained and equipped does not make them a hero. Here is the hypothetical scenario:

A building is on fire and the fire department arrives. Firefighters execute their routine of getting a hydrant live and getting water going. They enter the building wearing fire and heat retardant gear and boots, hardhat, oxygen mask, radio, axe and all of their cummalative knowledge of fires, and they have each other for backup. While there can be surprises, these individuals are trained in all the specifics of fires, using their gear to keep themselves alive, how fires spread, when structural damage is becoming to great, etc... Because this is what the job entails it prevents the use of hero being assigned when lives are saved through the execution of the job.

So can a firefighter be a hero? Absolutely. Going into a building after it is known that the structural damage is too great and the commander on scene has ordered the fire-fighters out would be heroic. An off-duty fireman without his backup or gear that risks his life is a hero. There would still be any number of situations that "hero" comes into play. Firemen would know when a certain act leaps beyond the call of duty into the heroic. The point is that over the years there have been many Firemen that were heros. But there were many more that just did the job, weren't a huge asset to the department, made mistakes, or were lazy. People that were always hesitant to take too great a risk and the first ones out of a building when the time came. Firemen know who they would want next to them when the shit hit the fan, and can name other firemen that they would not want to have in there with them. How can they all be heros? They can't. How could you ever be a heroic fireman if every swinging dick that ever rode a truck is a hero by default?

The military is a bit of a conundrum as well. Theoretically they are trained for what they face, and equipped as well, to give them the best chance at life. So not every guy that ever fought or died in combat is a hero. Some were. Beyond the call of duty comes into play on this one as well. Again, the veterans of combat situations know who were heros and who were not. But most were not. Example, you were drafted against your will. You determine that you are going to live no matter what. When the time comes for a major offensive, you let your platoon attack, but you then lay back out of the thick of it. Suddenly, a misplaced piece of "friendly fire" lands a tank shell right on your ass. You are NOT a hero! Yes, you died in combat for our country. Still, NOT a hero. You failed to meet either requirement 1 or 2. You did not knowlingly put yourself in danger for another. The guy that takes it upon himself to attack an enemy position alone to give his pinned-down buddies the opportunity to escape did that. You also did not succeed at anything. Not a hero.

One last point here. I want it known that I do not consider any of these jobs to be easy or routine. They are all filled with the potential for danger and require self sacrifice as a default because of the relatively low wages we pay all of our firemen, police and military. But they do not need a special word for that. No additional word is necessary to command my respect. If you sacrifice money and time with your family waiting around for the opportunity to save my sorry ass, it does not take a word like "hero" to make that meaningful. They already have a word for it that should let everyone know that they are dealing with someone who puts themself on the line for others and should be respected. They are looking at a fire-fighter or soldier or police officer, and those words are good enough for me.

So, sorry to all ex-crackheads that now go to schools and tell kids not to use crack. You are not heros.

Sorry for the lack of new posts

2005-03-16T09:48:00.000-08:00

Between being out of town and the "create new post" function bombing out I have not gotten anything fresh out here for several days. I have ideas for posts stacking up though, just need to get them down.

In the meantime you can help save the world. It seems that a group of euro-whackos, inspired by some bored professor, have determined that if 600,000,000 people all jumped in the air at the same moment on one hemisphere we could move the earth out to a higher orbit and end global warming forever! The amazing thing is that according to their website, they have 78,000,000 that already agreed to jump.

So, if you are bored and want to see if you could help start the next ice-age, give it a shot.

For Sale: A Devil's food cake that looks like Jesus!

2005-03-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

Everytime you turn around some headcase has found the likeness of some biblical figure in a mudane object. As we speak some whackjob has an Ebay auction for a peanut that "resembles the virgin Mary cradling Jesus." We have had pretzels that look like Mary, grilled-cheese sandwiches too.

And bigger nutjobs will PAY for this crap. Like God is just this bored. He's clowning around. He could have a crucifix-shaped comet skywrite "I AM PISSED!" across the night sky, but no. No, he is making late night visits to Keebler and putting his message in a mishapen Ritz Bitz cracker. Whatever.

But let's analyze this a minute. Keep in mind that food is not exactly an ideal medium for very detailed reliefs of any image. So, if the cheese sandwich, or pretzel or peanut "looks like the virgin Mary" then I would contend that, at best, it resembles any woman. Or any woman cradling any baby. Or a botched penile extension operation. But it cannot be said that it specifically resembles the virgin Mary.

Why?

Because nobody knows exactly what she looked like. Keep in mind that the Polaroid camera was not invented until, like, the time of the pilgrims or something. We really don't know what she looked like. She might have looked like Gilda Radner, or Tyne Daly. In fact, we don't even know what Joseph liked in his women. I mean, was he a leg man? A breast man? Did he go for ass over anything else? Maybe he liked large women. Is there a Bible verse that discusses this? Maybe a time when he and Jesus were having "the talk"

Puberotomy 1:12

And Lo, did Joseph say unto Jesus
Worry not about her hair, for it grays
Worry not for her eyes, for they should be averted to thee
Worry not for gigantic ta-tas, for they wilst sag unto the dust of the earth
The question, my son, is always thus...
Doeseth baby got back?

So, maybe your cheese sandwich does look like the virgin Mary cradling the baby Jesus. But then, it also looks like Bette Midler cradling a ham.

Our Atheists suck!

2005-03-04T13:30:00.000-08:00

Where did we get such crappy atheists in this country? We have had atheists suing to keep prayer out of the inauguration. Atheists suing to get "Under God" out of the pledge of allegiance. It goes on and on. The first problem is that atheists think that their beliefs are somehow protected. The problem is, they have no belief, so the argument falls apart. How can something that is non-existant be protected by anything? But they kid themselves into thinking they actually have a belief. Their belief is that they don't believe. Or they don't believe that they believe. Or they cannot believe that someone else believes.

First of all, the only intellectually viable religious philosophy is that of the agnostic. Everyone else is just kidding themselves. But the atheists don't understand that. Atheists are basing their whole theory on the same lack of facts that their counterparts, the theists, do. It is taken on faith.

What was that? Atheism is based on Faith?

Absolutely.

You see, theists believe that there is a supreme being, and that their supreme being is the only supreme being, and everyone else with a different supreme being, or no supreme being, should die, or at least suffer for eternity when they do die, which the theists hope is pretty soon. Atheists BELIEVE that there is no supreme power at all. But there is zero factual, concrete evidence to support either assertion. While there is no proof that any form of God actually exists, there is likewise no proof that no God exists. So atheists believe that there is no god, and have FAITH that they are right about that, though they have no proof.

But, despite the fact that both theists and atheists have unsupportable positions and are just silly, the theists act like one would expect them to act. But the atheists just suck! They don't get it. If you really don't believe, than why on Hallowed's green earth would you care if someone prays in front of you? Or asks you to pray with them? You of all people should be glad to play along because you are convinced that it has no more meaning than praying to a tree, or a volcano, or a dog's nutsack. You should see it as quaint and cute and say "sure I'll pray too...what the Hell, right!"

The real kicker is that our atheists just don't like Christianity. They should just admit it. If any of these lawsuit happy whackos ever got an opportunity to go to some off-the-map South American village, and meet some primitive tribal folks, and those folks asked them to participate in their little dance ritual to Aztotl the rain god, and wear some silly headdress, the atheist would do so. And they would come back and tell all their athiests friends about how intimatley they got to experience this tribe's religious culture and how interesting it was. But if the next day someone at work wants to say grace before lunch, they call the frickin' ACLU and start a lawsuit.

So, only agnostics subscribe to an intellectually feasible philosophy. Atheists and theists alike are all off-base. But the atheists are the worst because they don't even really know where they stand.

Stupid, silly atheists!

Silly Senile Senators Suck!

2005-03-02T10:03:00.000-08:00

Senator Robert Byrd, Dem. from West Virginia, has likened Republican tactics regarding judicial nominees to policies of Adolph Hitler. The Hitler comparison is so stale it is ignored by intelligent people anymore. Now, what the Republicans are doing is, in my opinion, wrong. While they have the numbers to vote in the nominees, they do not have the numbers to prevent the Dems from filibustering. They have considered, but not acted on it, voting to lower the number of votes required to prevent a filibuster.

While the Republicans flirt with stupidity on that score, I want to talk about what a dirtbag Sen. Byrd really is. First, here is part of what he said on the subject...

"For the temporary gain of a handful of out-of-the-mainstream judges, some in the Senate are ready to callously incinerate each senator's right of extended debate," Byrd said in remarks on the Senate floor."

"Hitler never abandoned the cloak of legality. He recognized the enormous psychological value of having the law on his side," he said."

There it is again, comparing people to the Aryan supremecist supreme, Adolph Hitler. Here is the point where Byrd loses all credibility (if he still had any, which he should not.) You see, the good Sen. Robert Byrd is a Klansman. Sorry, ex-Klansman. Yup, he was a card-carrying member of the KKK, and a recruiter as well, but today's Republicans are like Hitler!

Further more, Sen. KKK has a special place in his heart for filibustering. You see, back in the day he really liked to filibuster! He once filibustered a law for 14 hours before it passed despite his efforts. What was it? The 1964 Civil Rights Act. Nothing Hitleresque there!

Wait, there is more from Sen. KKK! In regards to the desegregation of the armed forces, in a letter discovered by author Graham Smith, the good Sen. Byrd from the party of tolerance and racial harmony vowed never to go to battle "with a Negro by my side. Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds."

But this is the man that uses the Hitler comparison to describe the Republicans. A man that opposed the nominations of Thurgood Marshall and Clarence Thomas to the supreme court.

Silly, racist, moron!

Head nod to Michelle Malkin

A short interview with Sen. Ted Stevens (R)

2005-03-02T07:49:00.000-08:00

Recently DITM got Sen. Stevens to agree to a quick interview regarding his ideals for government control of the private broadcast media as well as the public airwaves. Enjoy...

DITM: So Senator Nazi, you have said that you would push for applying broadcast decency standards to cable television and subscription satellite TV and radio. Is this correct?

Ans: Absolutely. I think we have the same power to deal with cable as over-the-air broadcasters. I would push legislation to apply the decency standards to cable TV and satellite radio and television.

DITM: What about freedom of speech? Congress shall pass no law and all of that. Isn't what you propose censorship?

Ans: No one wants censorship.

DITM: But if you say you have the right to fine or shut down cable and satellite companies for their programming, when it is only available to people who choose to pay for it, that is censorship.

Ans: Nuh-uh! I decide what is censorship and what isn't. I will apply standards of decency across everything people can see, hear or read, regardless of the medium in which it is presented.

DITM: And this is not censorship?

Ans: No, it is me enforcing my will as to what I like and what people should be allowed to say, and what voices should be heard, on the citizens of this country. That is not censorship. It is decency.

DITM: Can't the people decide for themselves what is decent, and show their feelings by turning off that which they do not feel is decent? This will have the effect of causing providers to drop programming that does not get an audience and replace it with programming that does. Thus the comsumer determines what is on the air.

Ans: But the "consumer", as you put it, is an immoral, ignorant, retard. All citizens except for me are immoral, ignorant, retards. Only I know what is decent and what is good for America to view or hear. All other people are morally inferior to me. And dumber. I am the righteous man among the sea of vile, evil and stupid masses.

DITM: But don't you like to molest little boys. And dress up like a female crack whore and go cruising for gay men? And kill kittens?

Ans: Absolutley I do.

There you have it folks. Sen. Ted Stevens tells all. Boy am I glad we in the blogosphere, the citizen journalists, are not held to the same standards as the MSM!

Things that keep the redneck poulation in check #1

2005-02-28T13:27:00.000-08:00

A story that reads more like a Saturday Night Live skit, the Tale of Jerry Don Hartless just makes me giggle like a little girl. I found this at Chuck Sheppard's News of the Wierd, and got more from the local Texas paper. None of the names have been changed to protect the innocent, because they are just too funny the way they are.

A jury in Nacogdoches, Texas, convicted Jerry Don Hartless in January of killing his former best friend, Billy Bob Wallace, during a group drinking bout one night along the Angelina River. According to testimony, Hartless believed that Wallace had stolen his boat motor but couldn't prove it. Then, that night, the group discussed a recent Jerry Springer show featuring a black man claiming to be a member of the Ku Klux Klan...

Donna Rawlinson said that she, Wallace, Wallace's son and another friend, Evelyn Powers (who is now deceased), were sitting around a campfire at the river bridge, prior to the shooting, when Hartless and his wife pulled up in their truck. At first, the conversation was cordial, she said.

That changed when the discussion turned to an episode of "Jerry Springer" that featured a black man who was a member of the Ku Klux Klan, Rawlinson said.

"Don said a black man couldn't be in the Klan," Rawlinson said. "I told him if a black man couldn't be a KKK member, he couldn't either."

Hartless responded by calling Rawlinson a "white nigger," then he told her that her "ex-husband held her down while black people f*cked her," Rawlinson testified.

"I told him I never had sex with a black man," she said. "That's when Billy Bob started to get up, and Don just pulled out a gun and shot him."

Part of Wild Bill Wallace's (Billy Bob Wallace's son and his true given name) testimony that differed from Rawlinson's, was his description of the exchange between Rawlinson and Hartless during the discussion about the Jerry Springer show. Rawlinson said Hartless didn't seem agitated by the conversation.

But Wallace said both Rawlinson and Hartless seemed "hostile," and were "in each other's face."

"They were arguing about whether you could be a nigger whether you're black or white," he said. "Donna (Rawlinson) said you could, because it has to do with the way you act. Hartless said you couldn't. He said it had to do with the color of your skin."

Jerry Don Hartless was sentenced to 60 years. [Daily Sentinel (Nacogdoches), 1-26-05]

C'mon folks! Now that is funny. Jerry Don kills Billy Bob while Wild Bill watches. An argument over what color you have to be to be in the klan after a Jerry Springer episode. You just can't make this stuff up. I love rednecks!

Head Nod to Chuck Sheppard's News of the Wierd

Operation: Fund Raiser

2005-02-28T11:33:00.000-08:00

I have not posted in a few days, as my wife and I have been on an important mission, raising money for an operation. This decision comes after years of turmoil and emotional stress. But we can no longer leave things unattended. The money is for a sex change operation.

For our dog.

We can no longer bear to see him suffer. It is clear that he is just one of those poor souls that feel like they are a female trapped in a male body. It is truly sad, and difficult to see him struggle with this condition. She is obviously just not comfortable with himself.

The signs have always been there. But you all know how it is. At first, you just don’t want to acknowledge it. Don’t want to have to wonder where you went wrong. So you chalk certain things up to simple quirkiness, when they are in fact signals of something deeper. Sure, he leaves the room whenever sports are on. But he cannot take his eyes off the screen whenever Dr. Phil or Judging Amy is on. And he could watch “What Not to Wear” all day long.

But that’s not all. Though the neighborhood dogs all snicker, he always squats when he pees. And whenever he starts to lick himself, he gets this look of utter, sorrowful disappointment in his eyes.

We cannot allow him to suffer like this any longer. We contacted a group called Butches2Bitches. They are helping find the funding for the procedure. Someday soon, perhaps, our little dog will finally be free of his…I mean her, demons and able to be happy once more.

Monkeys Pay to See Female Monkey Bottoms

2005-02-23T12:19:00.000-08:00

From Livescience.com...

A new study found that male monkeys will give up their juice rewards in order to ogle pictures of female monkey's bottoms. The way the experiment was set up, the act is akin to paying for the images, the researchers say.

The rhesus macaque monkeys also splurged on photos of top-dog counterparts, the high-ranking primates. Maybe that's like you or me buying People magazine.

So monkeys are willing to pay for hot monkey porn. I knew it! I am not sure about the use of the phrase "splurged on photos of top-dog counterparts...", though. I mean, that sounds rather graphic for Livescience.com.

But, the monkeys are also snobs, read on...

The scientists actually had to pay these guys, in the form of extra juice, to get them to look at images of lower-ranking monkeys.

I can relate. I am the same. We all are. You can deny it if you want to, but you are all the same as monkeys. Willing to pay to see some hot human ass, but if the only option is to look at Tyne Daly naked, you'd rather just have juice.

Rock on little monkey pervs!

Uncle Charlie refused comment on this one.

2005-02-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

But I will comment on it. Is it apparent to everyone else that our schools are run entirely by morons? I am not talking about colleges. They are run by the idiots that could not get a job doing something else after they graduated. I am talking about our public schools.

Take this story for example...

Florida boy accused of assault with rubber band

A 13-year-old student in Orange County, Fla., was suspended for 10 days and could be banned from school over an alleged assault with a rubber band, according to a WKMG Local 6 News report.

Gomez said when his science teacher demanded the rubber band, the student said he tossed it on her desk.After the incident, Gomez received a 10-day suspension for threatening his teacher with what administrators say was a weapon, Local 6 News reported.

"They said if he would have aimed it a little more and he would have gotten it closer to her face he would have hit her in the eye," mother Jenette Rojas said.

Rojas said she was shocked to learn that her son was being punished for a Level 4 offense -- the highest Level at the school. Other violations that also receive level 4 punishment include arson, assault and battery, bomb threats and explosives, according to the Code of Student Conduct.

There you have it. Florida's finest educators, after years of experience and regular supplemental training on child psychology and dealing with adolescents cannot handle a kid with a rubberband. It is considered the same threat level as arson and explosives.

It is a f**king rubberband you dinkledicks! Are all teachers from the Phillipino government now? What if he had demanded a $6 million dollar ransom? "I'll use it. I swear to God I will! And it will leave a nasty welt! Don't f**k with me PIGS!" Would they have paid up?

Show some balls you losers. You are adults. He is a kid. Act like you got a pair and get back to brainwashing him. It is not like this was a really dangerous situation, like the kid had a pair of nail clippers, or a 14 year old girl with a Midol.

Schmucks.

Sure, I did it. But look how cooperative I am!

2005-02-23T06:05:00.000-08:00

So, I wonder if there is a new trend starting in the murder business. Recently there have been two cases that have certainly showed me the light. Here in Alabama a man strangled his 15 year old daughter (step daughter?) but then led police to her body, thus making him a nice guy. And now, down in Texas, we have this retard that killed his girlfriend and her son because she was pregnant and he did not want his wife to find out.

But, before you get all mad at him, you must understand that he is also "not a bad guy." He too led police to the muddy hole he threw them in. What a guy! So, the plan is, kill someone if you want to, wait and see if you get caught, and if you get caught then you can offer up the location of the bodies as part of a plea bargain. BRILLIANT! Think of all the morons that killed their girlfriends and just left the bodies in the apartment. Idiots! You got to hide the bodies man! If the police find her body, you are a cold blooded killer. But, if after you find out that you screwed up, left evidence behind, and are a slam dunk conviction, you can offer to "cooperate" out of "remorse"...then you are just a guy that made a mistake and are owning up to it. People like that. Might even keep you out of the chair.

So what is the moral of this story? Just that if I kill you, I will hide your body. Because I want to be able to do the right thing and show police where I put you. If I get caught.

Have a nice day!

On the use of DDT

2005-02-16T12:43:00.000-08:00

Moneyman Steve Forbes offers this interesting piece on most of the world's unsupportable ban on a pesticide and the millions of deaths that have resulted.

Deadly Prejudice

Nearly every month almost as many people die from malaria as were killed by the tsunami waves in the Indian Ocean. Most of malaria's victims, some 2 million a year, are children under the age of 5. More than 300 million annually suffer from this debilitating disease that drains survivors of their mental and physical energies. Incredibly, there's an easy, proven and cheap way to eradicate most of the globe's malaria--DDT. Yet in one of history's more murderously myopic ongoing actions, most advanced countries and international agencies discourage its use. Why? Blame Rachel Carson's seismically influential--and now largely discredited--book, Silent Spring, first published in 1962. In it she blames DDT for imperiling birds and people, portraying it as a blight of almost biblical proportions. It ain't so. As Dr. Elizabeth Whelan of the American Council on Science & Health once put it, there "has never been a documented case of human illness or death in the U.S. as a result of the standard and accepted use of pesticides." The British medical journal The

Lancet similarly notes that after 40 years ofresearch no significant health threat from DDT has been found.

Indiscriminate use of DDT will indeed have a deleterious impact on certain birds. But we're not advocating that. The use of tiny amounts inside a house or hut is all that's needed. As Nicholas Kristof observed in one of his New York Times columns, "Four hundred fifty thousand people can be protected [from malaria] with the same amount [of DDT] that was applied in the 1960s to a single 1,000-acre American cotton farm.… Humans are far better offexposed to DDT than exposed to malaria."

Yet Carson's book has made DDT taboo--with ghastly results. Some 30 million to 60 million people have perished unnecessarily. In 1996, for example, South Africa stopped using DDT, and its malaria cases increased tenfold. Four years later South Africa reversed itself and employed DDT again. The result: The incidence of malaria promptly dropped almost 80%. Nevertheless, too many health officials cling to alternatives that are only fractionally as effective. That various agencies, governments, health officials and environmentalists have deliberately dissuaded the world from using DDT is one of the most immoral moves of modern times.

It is this kind of insane clinging to non-facts that gives those that are afraid of technology their bite. What if DDT was proven to kill 1000 kids per year? WOuld it not still be better than 2 million? Give me exposure to DDT anyday as well. Nice job Mr. Forbes. You get the Doodle's "Nod" of the day.

Hotel Rwanda

2005-02-15T10:13:00.000-08:00

Chris Roach, who blogs over at AFFBrainwash offers a very interesting opinion on the movie Hotel Rwanda. I encourage everyone to go check it out. Along with my most insightful and interesting comment on his piece. That is, 'piece' as in his post. I mean, I have not seen Roach's 'piece'. Or his post for that matter. Check out the article anyway.

So, Roach officially recieves Doodles' very first Head Nod. Congratulations Roach. Fabulous prizes are in the mail.

Missing Bible verses Vol 3

2005-02-14T10:55:00.000-08:00

In which Thomas confronts Jesus...

Thomas: "Are not."

Jesus: "Am too."

Thomas: "Are not."

Jesus: "Am too."

Thomas: "Are not!"

Jesus: "Am too!"

Thomas: "ARE NOT!"

Jesus: "AM TOO!"

Thomas: "Nuh-uh."

Jesus: "Jesus! You are a doubter."

Thomas: "Hah! You just used your name in vain!"

Jesus: "Oh, sorry."

Thomas: "Hey, I just got my fishing lure hung up. Why don't you walk out there and get it for me?"

Jesus: "Asshat."

Thomas: "Mortal."

Jesus: "Am Not!"

Thomas: "Are too."

It is Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T07:36:00.000-08:00

And I am lucky enough to have the greatest Valentine that anyone ever had. My lovely wife. My wife and I have been through many ups and downs together. More than anyone could ever know, except the two of us. These things are part of us. They are what take two individuals and make them one entity. These shared experiences, both joyful and sorrowful are the ties that bind. They are our collective consciousness.

We are not always happy with each other, but this is no different than not always being happy with one's self. It is par for the course. But, it is comforting to know that after almost twelve years, she is now the best part of myself. That is what we are. Each a piece of the other. And when people meet her, and are charmed by her, it can only reflect well on me, for I found her, and I won her, and if I can achieve that with so wonderful a person, than I must not be all bad.

I love you baby. Happy Valentine's Day.

Now, everyone back to funny stuff. That is all.

A few more words with Uncle Charlie

2005-02-14T06:10:00.000-08:00

Expected to be an occasional guest, events this weekend prompted Uncle Charlie to contact me and ask for some more time. Since he is not the type you want to upset, here are a few more words with Uncle Charlie.

Let me tell you something, man, this is just the kind of incompetence that gives psychopaths a bad name! So this idiot Robert Bonelli visits the Best Buy at his local mall to try a little of that "Going Postal" action that I never got to get in on. It was after my time, as they say. No use crying over spilled milk I suppose.

Anyway, it is not very original anymore, so anyone who does it loses points there, but hey, we can't all land the triple lutz right? Some people just got to go with the same old routine and just try and do it better than anyone else. Well, this yocal totally screwed the pooch. He gets an assault rifle, and I am like, "Okay, I am feeling ya buddy, now let's see what you can do." Then, he walks into a crowded mall on a weekend... and wounds two people! That's all. Two wounded. Ray Charles could of done better than that. Even now. Hell, witnesses said he emptied two banana clips in there. Wounded two. Incredible.

I mean, this guy shoots like one of the evil henchmen in a James Bond flick. Who the hell even goes through the trouble of getting an assault rifle but can't shoot? Is it too much to ask to go pop off a few rounds out in the country somewhere, get a little practice in, before you go make a fool of yourself. This idiot was ultimately taken down by a couple of mall employees! No pride at all anymore.

I will tell you this, Bobbo, you better not even think of using the insanity defense. You try and call yourself a psycho and you will be right on our short list. You got to feel it in your heart, man! Watch yourself now, buddy. That's all I can say.

Just a little friendly advice from Uncle Charlie.

Now, a few words with Uncle Charlie Manson

2005-02-11T05:57:00.000-08:00

Mr. Manson has just signed on as a regular commentator here at Doodles to help us examine all the psychopaths that grace our headlines. This is a major score for us, and will certainly launch us to prominence in all the right circles. Below, our first installment of "A few words with Uncle Charlie"

So there is this sister out there, Marianne Dahle, who got to feeling the anger vibe, man, at some other little sister, so she scalped her Mohawk off.

Now, while I can appreciate Sister Marianne's spunk and enthusiasm, she needs to control the beautiful rage a little more and think things through next time. She committed, like a cardinal-size psychopath faux paus here. I mean, c'mon, scalping is so eighteen hundreds. Am I right?

Plan your work and work your plan sister, do a little research. Measure twice and cut once...not sure how that applies, but I always liked that one.

Just a little friendly advice from old Uncle Charlie.

Exploring religion with Frank J! Missing Bible verses Vol 2

2005-02-10T13:02:00.000-08:00

Frank J over at IMAO has began a bible study. It is both funny and insightful. Frank is a man of both faith and common sense, two things that can scarcely be juxtaposed, but Frank will try. You should go check it out.

I, however, have located another missing bible verse, that explains what is going on over at IMAO

"And on the Eighth day, Hallowed created Rock n' Roll, and it was good.

And on the Ninth day, he created the Frank J, and it was also good.

And on the Eleventh day, having skipped the Tenth day because it was leap year, Hallowed created the Giants.

And the Giants were not actual Giants, like Titans, or Dinosaurs or Lawrence Taylor. No, these Giants were Frank J's Balls.

And on the Twelfth day, Frank J and his Giant Balls did begin blogging about religion.

And on the Fourteenth day, having skipped the Thirteenth day because it was unlucky, Hallowed did say unto Frank J, 'Good luck with that, Dude. You really got a pair!'"

On the need for truly Free Trade

2005-02-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

Radley Balko, Libertarian, writer and blogger at The Agitator (see link on sidebar) has written a very good article on the need for truly free trade and a reduction in the 'moral' conditions we put on free trade with the U.S. A good read. Not very funny though.

Trade & Protectionism

Kobe, Cosby. Cosby, Kobe...

2005-02-10T05:57:00.000-08:00

So now Bill Cosby is accused of drugging and raping women. Let me say first that I do not want anyone to get away with rape. I can think of only one more sickening crime.

So here is the point. I was watching Gretta what's-her-name on tv last night and she had on a panel that included the new lady that came forward to say Cosby drugged her 30 years ago, a couple of attorneys and another lady (also an attorney I believe) from some women's activist group. In the course of the discussion, this lady from the activist group said this;

Gretta, you do not know how hard it is for a woman, with no evidence and no witnesses, years after the fact to come forward and get justice against her attacker.

First, since Gretta is both a woman and a lawyer herself, I think she might know. I also think she just might know that, without witnesses OR evidence it is SUPPOSED to be hard to get justice against anybody!

I am not a lawyer, and I never played one on TV, but I am pretty sure that on Matlock, evidence and/or witnesses were kinda important. I would put forward that it should be very hard to bring charges at all, or get the story in all the papers and destroy someone's life, if you have no evidence and no witnesses.

Again, if Cosby did it, then I do not care about his life or his social standing. But without evidence or witnesses I could not convict the man. I also submit that the day it is no longer 'hard' to bring charges or 'get justice' against someone, years after the fact with no evidence and no witnesses will be the day that our simple concept of justice is gone forever.

Now I will also point out that they were speaking about the lady from 30 years ago. I understand that there are at least taped phone conversations between Cosby and the new accuser, the contents of which are still only speculative, but they would be evidence, and there may be more for that case. I am simply ranting about the one lady's comment above.

Sorry, everyone back to their tea and crumpets.

Don't give me the Nod, pal!

2005-02-09T10:51:00.000-08:00

You ever been driving, and passing a car coming the other way, and then just at the last second the other driver gives you the little head-nod 'hello'? Or the index finger off the steering wheel 'hello'?

But since they did it right as they went by, you could not nod back? Then you feel all guilty, because you were not even planning on giving this guy a nod, till he nodded you first. But then you lost your chance to reciprocate.

Then, to help ease your feelings of guilt, you give the nod to the next car you pass, but also at the last possible moment, carrying on the cycle?

This happens to me all the time. Then I got to thinking...maybe the nod the first guy gave me, wasn't even genuine. Maybe, some guy a mile up the road ahead of me gave this guy the nod, and he felt guilty and I was just the person he used to alleviate the guilt and get on with his life. It was a used nod.

Well, I don't need any second-hand guilt nods buddy! Keep the charity nods to yourself. I got my own problems you selfish bastard!

Anyway, the point is, that I have decided that when I get an idea for a post from someone else, instead of using one of the blog standards like "Hat Tip to so and so" I will give them 'The Nod'.

Carry on.

Michael Jackson has "Gremlins" in his closet...

2005-02-09T06:07:00.000-08:00

Former child star Corey Feldman says...

"I started looking at each piece of information, and with that came this sickening realization that there have been many occurrences in my life and in my relationship to Michael that have created a question of doubt."

Like when he invited you over for a 'sleep over', gave you some wine, asked you to sleep in his bed and kept saying it is okay if you want to 'touch him where he pees'?

C'mon Corey, many occurrences in my relationship with Michael Jackson have created a question of doubt...and I never met the WhackoJacko. You are just starting to have a sickening realization now?

Creepy.

Useless Knowledge: What does it say on Alfred Hitchcock's Tombstone?

2005-02-09T05:53:00.000-08:00

`

"I am in on a plot."

How great is that! RIP master of the macabre!

Quick! I need a new Valentine's idea for my wife!

2005-02-09T05:50:00.000-08:00

My Vermont Teddy Bear Co. "Dr. Heathcliffe Huxtable Bear" just arrived but somehow I think it has lost some of the romantic aspect I was shooting for.

Any other ideas?

Rejected Bible versus that did not make the final draft Vol 1

2005-02-08T13:08:00.000-08:00

Begatterotomy 1:1

"And then there was begatting and it was good.

And then people began begatting by themselves and it was also good, though not as good as the regular begatting and did make them blind.

And Hallowed was angered by the bad blind begatters and said that because begatting by yourself begat blindness, there would be no more begatting by yourself and only begatting between multiple begatters.

And the begatters did run with this idea of multiple begatters and began begatting in big begatter groups. And this did also anger Hallowed.

So, beginning to wish he had not began the begatting, He did command that the bad begatters would cease begatting in big begatter groups and begin begatting only in begatter pairs."

To give due credit, the inspiration for this came from Frank J over at www.imao.us an incredibly funny blog that you should check out...and that I will link to once I figure out how to do all that!

The Virgin Post

2005-02-08T10:53:00.000-08:00

Hello,

I created this blog for my own enjoyment. I do not know yet how much I will post, or if I will ever seek out traffic for it. If you have found it, let me know about you.

Thanks

Chris